Aftercare for soloists

If you’re new in the BDSM/kink world then you may not have heard of aftercare before, and even some long time members may be new to the term. I personally never really had a “formal” introduction into the BDSM world, mostly learning by trial and error for a lot of things. Therefore, I didn’t really hear about aftercare until a few years ago despite experimenting on my own for the last 10 or so years.

What is aftercare and why is it important?

So what exactly is aftercare? Like it sounds, it’s the care that you give after a session to ensure that everyone feels safe and calm about the situation. In partner relationships this usually involves a mix of cuddling, reassuring words, providing nourishment, or whatever else your partner may need. This reassures both parties that whatever happened in the session, their relationship is still consensual and supportive. For instance, if there was a session with a male Dom spanking and verbally assaulting a female sub, afterwards there would be the physical needs of sore skin on the sub and emotional needs of both to be considered. The female sub may need some positive reinforcement after being torn down, and both parties may need to relax from a stimulating experience. This is also the opportunity to address things that may have gone badly during the session on either the Dom or sub end. No one’s perfect and we all have bad days.

But what happens when you don’t have someone to cuddle you and tell you that you’re beautiful and smart and sexy? You have to learn the steps to self-care sometimes, especially if you’re doing solo kink sessions, and sometimes even with long distance relationships it’s necessary. I’ll say it again and louder: SELF AFTERCARE IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, ESPECIALLY AFTER KINK SOLO SESSIONS, ALWAYS AFTER DEGRADATION/HUMILIATION SOLO SESSIONS. There’s really no set right way to do aftercare, it’s all about your personal comfort. Some women after a rough session may want to snuggle deep in the covers and focus on a relaxing environment while another may want to be sent to a dog bed or a cage with the bare essentials to keep the play going. You just have to work on finding your limits and what works for you, and it may change over time or sometimes even day by day.

Physical Care

One of your primary concerns that’s easy to focus on is physical needs. After a bondage session when you start to settle down make sure you untie your bonds, especially if you feel sleepy. Sleeping in bonds unsupervised can be very dangerous especially depending on the tie. You could lose a limb or your life. Even if you seem fine at the time your unconscious movements can shift so that you cut circulation to a limb and sometimes not be able to use it effectively to undo your restraints in time. I’ve also rolled off my bed as an adult a few times, I’d hate to imagine what it would be like if even my hands were bound together at the time. Before engaging in self-bondage to begin with, do your research and be safe!

Any sort of pain play will also require physical after care. Spanking and slapping and punching oneself can leave bruises or leave you sore to the touch. Make sure you take the time to confirm you don’t have any serious injuries from your session and you may need to apply a cooling lotion or a gentle rub to affected areas. Needle play is another one that require some after care to ensure your skin’s safety and that they aren’t left in places where they can unintentionally pierce you. Any applied materials that don’t recommend long exposures should also be washed off properly - I personally discovered the sting of toothpaste recently and hope to move to ginger, but I always make sure to wash off the toothpaste directly after the session. Make sure you have any special care items in your possession before starting a play session like cooling gel or heating pads.

Nourishment is something that also needs to be considered and is something that I tend to forget myself. After a session, especially a long one, it’s suggested that you drink some water to keep your hydration levels up. You may also need to eat something for the same reason you may need after a workout depending on how many calories you burned. A little bit of chocolate can keep the endorphin train running too. After that, it’s up to you as to what you prefer to relax and recharge.

Emotional Needs

Snuggling with a pet or a stuffed animal can be very nice, or maybe you need to curl up with a book and a hot cup of tea. Some people enjoy taking a nice bath (especially if you’ve just done something messy) or maybe you’re in the mood for a movie. You may even want to go have a chat with a friend or loved one for a little bit of verbal encouragement (even if it’s just innocent casual conversations). Often what you do in your spare time can be altered to self mental aftercare to relax and recharge.

Sometimes after a session you’re still in the mood for more. I find that that’s the case often after I do a denial session - I rarely seem to be happy with a single edge for some reason… When you’re in the mood for more and it makes you feel good, then go for a bit more. Maybe for your food after play you decide to eat it on all fours with no hands. Perhaps you want to idly play with your bruised tits to enjoy the sensations. Maybe you want to go look at some other depraved sluts being used on tumblr blogs. If it makes you feel better then go for it. Aftercare is all about you doing you.

Did I do it right?

So how do you know if you’re not doing it right? After a play session, especially if it ended in an orgasm, you should feel relaxed and relatively happy. After all, masturbation/sex is a physical need and it’s supposed to feel good so you do it more to have babies. Now let’s be fair too, we all have a bad session occasionally. However, if you finish a session and all you want to do is curl up into a ball then 1) your aftercare may not be working and you need to re-evaluate and 2) if your self esteem is low and degradation play consistently makes it lower you need to take a step back and consider if this lifestyle is really for you. If it was an unusual occurrence then maybe look at that particular play session, it may have been a small detail that left you feeling unsatisfied. I had an experience like that recently where I discovered a trigger I didn’t know I had during a hypno play session despite everything else in the session being what I wanted and asked for.

Edit to original: Someone mentioned that feeling down after a session may be sub drop situation as well. I'm not very familiar with this myself (that I'm aware of at least), but this may mimic several depression symptoms, but it does go away. Again, this is something you may have to gauge on your own, but if it's a very lingering or recurring issue, maybe change up the way you do your sessions/after care, do your research, and remember to keep yourself safe. 

Final Thoughts

Not everyone understands the allure of degrading sex play and many don’t enjoy it, but everyone is different. For years I denied this part of myself because when my parents found my porn stash (and grand parents actually) they didn’t really understand it and certainly didn’t encourage it so I spent a lot of years feeling shame and the need to hide these impulses. Since I’ve started to explore them my sexual and everyday confidence has grown and even my body image has improved. All this from calling myself a worthless little bitch and pushing my pain limits a little in play sessions because that’s what makes me happy.

But I’m not alone! And you’re not alone! And if the thing you want to do after a sex session of verbally degrading yourself while you slap your tied up, written on tits before bringing yourself to an orgasm that leaves you weak in the knees is to put clothespins on your nipples and bring yourself to an edge then by all means do it if it makes you feel sexy and confident and relaxed. If while living by yourself you want to spend your rest time at a dog bed at the foot of your own empty bed with a dildo as your pacifier more power to you if that’s what makes you comfortable and safe.

Experiment, listen to your body and your instincts. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your support network if you’re feeling down even if you can’t fully tell them why. But most of all, do what makes you happy!